UPDATES / QUARTERLY-ISH

The world's least impressive earnings call.

Short, dated updates from the penny jar. Every number is the real one on that day, the same figures as the public ledger. Newest first. Forward looking statements are mostly jokes.

• OCTOBER 22, 2026

  Q4 so far: up 435%, thanks to one dollar

  Quarter to date, the jar holds $1.23 from 6 payments, up 435% in a single day. Management would like to take credit for this and is doing so now.

  Nearly all of the growth came from one backer who sent a full dollar, 100 times the ask. Analysts call it an outlier. Management calls it the start of a trend.

  Fees remain our largest line item. The card company kept about a third of that dollar, and senders added another 31 cents earlier so it could take its cut of the pennies. The processor is still our most profitable partner.

  Guidance is unchanged at $80,000,000, which leaves just $79,999,998.77 to go. Management remains cautiously delusional.

  THE JAR THAT DAY: $1.23 FROM 6 PAYMENTS · $0.31 FEE COVER, NOT COUNTED

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